Very well. I certainly appreciate your candor.
Were you just Skyping with a horse?
Not a horse, Lemon.
Rafalca, Mitt Romney's champion dressage mare.
- Sure. - She answers yes or no questions
by eating either an apple for "yes" or a carrot for "no."
And if she eats both, that means life is full of unknowable gray areas.
Remarkable animal.
And thanks to Rafalca,
lam now fully briefed on the Romney campaign's latest setback.
Did you see the news this morning?
I saw "The Today Show".
Sol know how to make an autumn pizza that your teen will love.
Paul Ryan dropped out of the race last night.
What?
Wow. Why?
It turns out he was actually born in Kenya.
Not a lot we could say about that one.
So now who's Romney's running mate gonna be?
Rafalca assured me that an announcement
would be made later today.
Or she just wanted to eat an apple.
And how's tanking NBC going? Is Hank ready to sell?
Soon he'll have no choice.
"Sunday Night Football" is just Cleveland Browns games.
I'm allowing Jimmy Fallon to use his real voice.
And the greatest band in late night, The Roots!
And you're certainly doing your part.
Last week's show was excruciating.
Thank you. I told the writers there are no bad ideas,
and they really took that to heart.
Yes, I have a reservation under "Black Hitler".
You know, I could get used to this "not caring" thing.
And what about your reproductive efforts?
Bluh.
Criss and I have been taking the dump truck
to the boneyard most nights.
Oh, come on. Try to enjoy it, Lemon.
Criss looks like a little elf prince!
I should get back downstairs. The show's not gonna phone itself in.
I do have one concern, Lemon.
Elections can be very good for sketch comedy shows.
And the last thing I need
is an election-year ratings spike for TGS.
So no political stuff.
Oh, okay, sure. We'll just have to rely on observational humor.
Like, um, "table" is a weird word.
Thank you, Lemon.
And you gotta wonder who came up with the door.
A bunch of cavemen sitting around,
"Hey, Gronk! Before we starve to death in here, let's make a door!"
I, uh --
I have been waiting seven years
to tell you people what I really think of you.
Really? 'Cause you called me "Mr. Clean's gay uncle"
in front of my children.
This is my first royalty check from my summer dance jam, "Balls".
♪ Balls! Balls, balls, balls, balls, balls, balls ♪
♪ Balls! Balls! Balls! Balls! ♪
In this envelope is my cut of every CD sale,
paid download, music video DVD rental at Blockbuster --
Oh, boy. Jenna, you might want to look at the check
before you insult us.
And maybe you want to look in a mirror
before leaving your house in the morning
because you look like someone's been slowly poisoning Sally Field.
Alrighty then.
Read it and weep, you mouth-breathing vag-repellers!
It's $90, Jenna.
What?! How?!
That song was everywhere!
The FBI blamed it for a spike in summer sex crimes!
Well, the music industry isn't what it used to be.
Thanks to Al Gore's stupid Internet, people can just get music for free.
That's why I got out of the music business.
♪ Despite my beautiful singing voice ♪
♪ And my amazing songwriting ♪
- Hey, Jenna. - Shut up.
Hey, what are you doing here?
Oh, just thought I'd pop in.
No, you damn well didn't!
Lunchtime is when you "pop in".
You got something else on your mind, son.
Fresh shave.
Elevated pulse.
Cologne.
This man is here to do it on a desk.
Tracy, you're disgusting.
No, Liz, he's right. I am.
No, but I'm not being gross!
We're trying to have a baby, and you know how Liz's libido is.
So I'm trying to keep it from being a chore!
That's why I started tracking her menstrual cycle --
You don't have to prove anything to them.
Just shut your mouth, Criss!
I'm sorry, you're tracking my cycle?
I don't want you stressing about it, so I made this calendar.
I thought you'd like to know that you're ovulating.
And I came here today to...
I don't know, spice things up. I know, it was stupid.
- I know. - No, okay, I get it. It's --
In the office.
It's like I'm Don Draper and you're Megan --
Okay, you're Don Draper.
No, you're Glen and I'm Sally!
Wait, there's a system! This is all organized! God!
The Post-its are for my ideas, and the pens are for my teeth.
Liz, you have to see this!
Hornberger, what if we'd been having sex?
Then I would have seen Criss's muscular back.
You think I care?
The next Vice President of the United States,
Governor Bob Dunston of Alabama!
Well okey-dokey-doo, America!
We gotta have Tracy play this guy on the show.
He looks exactly like him!
And I was thinking we'd just lay off the political stuff --
Oh, Liz, he's right. That guy really looks like Tracy.
Did you guys see I'm on TV but now I'm old?!
Oh, God, Miss Lemon, it's happening to you, too!
Okay, fine, the guy looks like Tracy.
But what's the joke?
Ooh, I'm gonna have to take a moment here.
I sat on my testicles earlier
and the heft of my body
smashed them to smithereens!
Okay, start working on the wig.
Aah!
Oh, Ms. Maroney, I want you to meet my mother --
I'm going to stop you right there, Kenneth.
I am having an actress side-project crisis,
so I am not interested in whatever this is
and whatever it thinks it's wearing.
Oh, I can't believe I just met Jenna Maroney!
I'm so nervous. I hope I didn't embarrass you.
You were fine, but your friend Ron
sure doesn't know how to behave around celebrities.
Oh! Oh, I am so sorry, Kenny.
You know, the only celebrity I ever met
was Evel Knievel's motorcycle.
And that was just a picture.
Oh, I almost forgot.
We got you a little something for your birthday.
Is that a CD?!
You people still buy CDs?!
Kenneth's mother! OMG! Why haven't you visited us before?!
Well, money's been tight
ever since the market crashed into our house.
My name is Ron. I'm Pearline's friend.
I've met celebrities before.
Do you know Evel Knievel's motorcycle picture?
Oh! Come on, Ron, I'm better than that.
I have so many questions to ask you people!
Tomorrow, when we break for lunch,
you are coming to my dressing room and watching me eat.
I wonder what she eats.
Now, I've been very upfront about this.
See, that girl was in my car
because I was trying to talk her out of being a prostitute.
And she --
Jack, I have to let Tracy play Governor Dunston.
Absolutely not.
Come on, he looks exactly like him!
Give me a break, Jack. Listen to this guy!
Hang on, I'm caught on a nail here --
Aah!
Okay, now we can continue.
I can't just ignore Dunston, Jack.
Everyone's talking about how much he looks like Tracy.
NBC.com had over a hundred hits today!
Exactly. I'm trying to tank this network.
To that end, I have asked you to lay off politics.
Uh-huh, but you really meant was lay off Republicans, didn't you?
This is not about politics, Lemon.
In order to save this network, I have to destroy it.
Just like BP did
when they heroically tried to lubricate the Gulf of Mexico.
Now, do not write anything about Bob Dunston.
I promise I won't write a word.
Are we better off now than we were four years ago? Not me.
I now have herpes
and the Dixie Mafia is trying to kill me.
Hey, elf prince!
What makes you think my last period started on the 29th?
Because you kept saying your Aunt Flo was in town --
She was! Remember? I took her to MoMA and the Cloisters?
I assumed those were all vaginal euphemisms!
Great. So we had sex for no reason. No reason at all!
- Wow. Thank you. - Well...
Look, Liz, I know this isn't your... jam.
Which is why I've been trying to make it fun.
I surprised you at the office, I wrote you that song --
♪ Your body is my Garden of Eden ♪
I hate you!
I'm sorry.
I hate you!
Liz, we both want this to happen,
but it's not gonna work if it's a chore.
Yeah, okay. I know. I have to relax.
And I promise, as soon as I figure out
when I really am ovulating...
You just spoke in German.
I don't think so, Criss.
I'm caught on a nail here. I'm caught on a nail.
That was Tracy Jordan having some fun the other night
at the expense of Governor Bob Dunston.
Liz, The New York Times called.
George Clooney wants to be on the show.
And you got a gift basket --
Gift basket?!
Pears?! Why?!
Lemon, a word.
We had an agreement.
You promised not to write anything about Dunston.
And I didn't. Every one of Tracy's lines last night
was a direct quote from Governor Dunston himself.
I see. Well, bravo.
You're supposed to say "brava" to a woman.
Oh, I am well aware of that.
This is a disaster.
Ratings are up, and now, during the election,
Hank Hooper wants TGS on five nights a week starting tonight.
You are un-terriblizing this network!
Wait, I have to do a show every night?
Uh-huh. Say good-bye to your free time.
Did you hear that?
That's the sound of "Honey Boo Boo"s piling up on your TiVo.
- No! - Your show is ruining my career
and besmirching the name of a good American.
Bob Dunston is a fine man.
A-ha, so this is about politics!
I'm sure you'd let us make fun of Joe Biden all we want.
Oh, but how could you? He's so amazing.
He rides the train!
Liz, Dunston's at a county fair, and he ate too much chili!
I'm sorry, Jack. This is bigger than both of us.
Oh, boy, when did ol' Bob Dunston swallow all this change?!
Pearline, you must be so proud of Kenneth.
Smell him. That's Jenna Maroney's garbage!
Oh, he's always been such a special boy.
I remember the day he was born.
He looked up at me and said, "Momma, I am not a person.
My body's just a flesh vessel for an immortal being
whose name, if you heard it, would make you lose your mind."
Do you remember that, honey?
Oh, we're just all so proud of Kenny.
I tell everyone I meet I know a big shot up in New York City!
Great story, Ron.
So, tell me. What kind of music do you folks like to buy?
Well, Jenna, you know, times are tough.
And it's not getting any easier
now that Obamacare's extending our life expectancy.
Let me die in an emergency room
with a treatable disease like an American!
But music can let you forget about all that.
Folks like us, we need an escape.
It's like what Jimmy Buffett says, "I'm just a cheeseburger in paradise."
Of course, we don't have a stereo anymore
on account of our mayor who's a meth addict.
Took it apart in a field.
- But Ron sings. - Well...
He writes his own songs.
- Are they about being a loser? - Some of them.
But mostly they're about being on a tropical island
and sipping some rum and feeling the sand between your toes.
What do you know about any of that, Ron?
Kenneth Ellen Parcell, mind your manners.
It just so happens Ron and I have been to Key West.
Oh, yes, we have. It was on our honeymoon.
We -- Oh, my --
What -- Oh.
You got married?! When?!
Seven years ago.
Look, Ken, I'm just trying to replace your dad...
Oh, damn, that's the wrong thing to say, isn't it?
If you will excuse me, I have to get back to work.
This is terrible. I've never gone this long without talking.
Okay, if we're doing a show tonight,
Tracy needs to do a run-through with the vomit rig.
Props can do 4:00 --
Oh, no, I promise Criss I would be home this afternoon.
Yeah, for that. And get this: Criss wants it to be "fun."
How do you make sex fun?
Well, Paula never opens her eyes,
so what I do is look at a nursing-school catalog
I keep under my pillow.
Ugh!
This "five shows a week" thing is bonkers.
So, great, let's all figure out when I can have sex.
Okay, what if Jenna did her DVD commentary
while she was getting vajazzled?
Then we can move the prop meeting up --
You know what? We have to look at the whole month.
Oh, yeah. There it is.
I need to cross-reference this with my menstruation.
Ooh, this is complicated. Um...
I'm gonna to color-code all of this.
Tracy will be red, Jenna is blue, and I will be green --
Oh, yeah, that's nice.
It's, um...
Mm, it's getting hot in here, right?
If I had a column for my basal body temperature,
then I could schedule around peak ovulation --
Right there.
Yes! That is the spot!
Oh, God, this whole thing can be a spreadsheet.
If we print it in landscape, the page will take it all!
Oh, yeah. It'll take it all.
Oh, my God.
Hi.
Hey! That was $10!
I think I figured out what's been missing from my sex life.
Organizing it.
- Cooter? Cooter Berger? - Hi, Jack.
I took the liberty of making myself a drink.
Is that red wine with tonic water and olives in it?
Yeah. It's an Old Spanish!
Is that not a thing?
Oh, the guys at the office told me it was a cool drink.
Well, I'm always getting pranked.
Anyway...
Ow.
So, what have you been up to?
Well, after 2008, I went back to being a lobbyist.
You know, just hanging out in hotel lobbies.
If you wear a red vest, sometimes people think you're a valet
and you can take a nap in their car.
Right.
Well, it looks like you're back on your feet.
And how! You're looking at the Deputy Chief
of Media Relations Romney-Dunston 2012.
Here, have a sticker.
Cooter, this is a puffy frog with googly eyes.
Oh, no. I've been handing those out all day!
Listen, Jack, the reason I'm here,
we need to talk about this whole Bob Dunston-TGS thing.
Yes, I'm taking care of that.
I assure you there will be no more Bob Dunston sketches on TGS.
No, no no! That's not what we want.
We need you to make fun of Dunston as much as possible.
What? Why?
Because it's making him likeable.
He's actually very mean. But with Tracy Jordan playing him --
He's a lovable buffoon.
Exactly! Nobody's talking about the Governor's record.
His re-segregation of the Alabama schools.
His longtime sexual relationship with the Hank Williams statue
outside Montgomery City Hall.
They're just talking about how funny Tracy is.
It's a win-win. You help us take back the White House,
and you goose NBC's ratings!
Yes, and I do want NBC to get good ratings.
Yeah, I know! Let's keep saying things we want --
A closer friendship with you that includes road trips. Your turn.
Jenna, can we trouble you for some advice?
Yes. If you're only in New York for a few days,
find a way to see Amar'e Stoudemire's penis.
It's worth it.
All right, but we'd like to talk to you about Kenny.
He won't speak to me.
Don, Garlene, I don't have time for this.
I'm trying to write a new album
for the only people who buy records anymore --
Unhappy, middle-aged bummers like you.
This writing is hard.
Wait! You said you write songs.
Yes, I do, but I'm not a professional like you
or the bears at showbiz Pizza.
Sing one for me now.
For inspiration.
I'm not gonna steal it.
But if I do, don't even bother lawyering up.
I'll have my juice on you so fast, you'll think you're an Asian girl.
Well, okay. I wrote this song earlier today for Kenny.
You know, I just hope someday he'll realize --
Okay.
♪ Ooh ♪
♪ There's picture on my wall ♪
♪ Ooh ♪
♪ Of a boy who's just yay tall ♪
♪ Ooh ♪
♪ Without a daddy, he's in danger ♪
♪ He needs an older male stranger ♪
♪ And when he goes to war ♪
Okay, I'm going to stop you right there.
Ron, that was terrible.
I'm gonna be constructive here.
- You should kill yourself. - No, he should not.
I am sorry, Ms. Maroney, but you don't talk to Ron like that.
What are you talking about?
I've heard you call Ron a dingleberry!
Comparing Ron to our inconsiderate neighbors,
the Dingleberrys, is something I can do.
But you are not allowed to
because you are not a part of our family.
That's what family is, Kenneth --
People you badmouth all the time behind their back.
Why, on the train up here,
I called you "a bowling pin with a face drawn on it."
"A cheap albino lesbian." "A finger with teeth."
"A Hummel someone left on the radiator" --
I get it, Mom!
But if anyone else says a word about you, Kenneth,
I don't stand for it!
Do you remember that kid in school who bullied you?
Well, I ate that goat.
Because you and I are family.
And like it or not, Kenneth, so are you and my husband.
Ronald McDonnell.
Well...
Oh...
I think I just got an idea for a song.
It's called "Rum-Soaked Tampon".
Now what were you guys talking about?
♪ Hey, girl ♪
♪ Me and you ♪
♪ Yeah, baby ♪
♪ This is just more proof ♪
♪ That I am an amazing singer ♪
♪ Does this song make you want to do it? ♪
♪ You're welcome ♪
♪ Girl ♪
♪ You're so beautiful and so is the guy you're with ♪
♪ I just want to lick your face ♪
Hey! Where do you think you are, Office Max?
Get out of here, you perverts!
Two minutes. Two minutes to air.
Lemon, where have you been?! You have a show to do.
Don't worry about the show. It's all scheduled.
Look at this. Oh, yeah. Mommy like.
What's wrong with you?
I solved my intimacy issues, Jack.
Now that the show is on every night,
everything has to be organized...
Well, congratulations.
I just want to make sure that you're doing a Bob Dunston sketch tonight.
- Why? - Because of the, ah, First Amendment.
Which I love.
And what you told me earlier. You convinced me. You win.
You think I'm an idiot? I didn't win that argument.
I'm an idiot!
Lemon, what do you want me to say?
You're helping the Romney-Dunston ticket, okay?
People like Dunston because they like Tracy.
What? No. If these sketches are helping Romney,
we're not doing them!
Yes. Maybe that's for the best.
The success of your show
is the only thing keeping Hank from selling NBC.
And if he doesn't sell, I'll spend the rest of my career
in corporate obscurity, like a woman with children.
Damn it! If I don't help Romney, it's four more years
of socialism, corporations not being people,
and a basketball court at the White House!
Let me make your choice easy, Jack. It's over.
Yes, but is it that easy?
You stop doing Dunston, TGS goes back to one night a week,
you can kiss good-bye your Dusseldorf bus schedule sex.
You'll be having Paris Metro sex!
Long sessions of afternoon love-making,
followed by talking and making circles
with your finger in Criss's chest hair!
No! You can't make me!
Do the sketch, I help Romney, but I ruin my career.
Cut the sketch, you help Obama, but you screw up your life plan.
It's a win-lose.
Tracy to the floor for the cold open.
So what are we going to do?
- Break a leg, Tray. - That shouldn't be hard.
I have a severe calcium deficiency!
When? I'm glad you brought up my record.
It's called "Sounds of Seduction." And it's available on iTunes.
There are nine types of legitimate rape.
One, a Halloween party.
Let me ask you a question, sir.
Do you know if this auditorium validates parking?
Our opponent would like you to believe
that Mitt Romney is a merman.
Now, I know Mitt Romney does not live in the sea.
No, Mormon, Governor.
A Mormon? Now, that's crazy!